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Normal Update - Take One. [Aug. 10th, 2016|10:33 pm]
[mood |indifferentindifferent]
[music |Healing Kiss - Adrian Borland]

Here's an experiment - come here when I'm not feeling... *various hand gestures and faces*... and see what happens.

Had a big, in-depth chat about anxiety stuff with my mate/boss today. It's always nice when you can connect with people about the shared road blocks that make it difficult for you to enjoy life. Puts you at ease and makes you feel a bit less alone in your incompetence. But as is often the case, once those floodgates are open and I end up deluging the other person with far too much information and me-too's, I often wish I hadn't said anything. Or less. It's contradictory, but when I make that particular connection, I get bored of having a wrong mind and wish we could just chat about something normal instead. Except when I talk to an acquaintance about something normal I want to pick the sinew from my face, piece by piece. I want that thing in between. That place only flatliners can get to. That precise grey that lies exactly between black and white. That 30 seconds when a pear is actually edible. I'll have that.

In another post-show mourning phase, but it's not too bad this time. This wasn't my favourite and we're doing it again in January anyway. The pre-show moods were a bit more intense this time. I convinced myself I was going to leave after this. I don't think that would be a very good idea though. Not really. I'll take it year by year.

My mum is moving to the other end of the country, again. Not too far from where I grew up. The journey to see her will be a bit of an effort, but at least I can leave Eccles firmly behind me after this month. Vile place. Nothing good happened there. Joy-suck of a place. So I'll be busying myself with that over the next few weeks. I hope it gives her the injection of life she needs. It has been my goal for some time to get her out of that place and in a place more suited to who she really is. I really hope it works out.

I like this state of mind. I feel quite sure of myself. It's awful to doubt almost everything. Dr Burns and his mental distortion talk, what a champ.
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A Name! [Jul. 31st, 2016|07:55 pm]
[music |Shimmer - The Sound]

Okay, so it seems that most of my adult life has been one long existential crisis. What I should do is embrace absurdism, stop stressing about finding meaning. Was bedeutet es? Nichts! Es bedeutet nichts! So fretting is irrelevant. The only rules that exist are the pretend blueprints we've imposed on ourselves as a society.

It's going to be difficult to give up meaning. Now I know how religious people feel.

... then again. The alphabet is made up and means nothing really. But letters are building blocks we use to create stories, express ourselves. I'm not sure life would be as interesting without this. So, we must engage? Chasing the horizon, usually without realising that the chase is the living. So - experiences and how I feel about them, that is what I should concern myself with? Without trying to solve everything. Camus did advocate the conflicting acts of realising the pointlessness yet not giving up. A Schrödingeresque existence. We are and we are not. We are a collection of dynamic memories and feelings in a constantly changing flesh container. I sound like philosophy 101, but these things make the most sense... in that they don't.

[pointless rambling redeacted]
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What Sets Your Soul On Fire? [Jul. 24th, 2016|11:45 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |Darkest Heart - Adrian Borland]

I just sent this message to somebody in the context of a conversation about certain personality "disorders":

"It's not that I don't want relationships, I just don't want pointless, vapid ones. Every interaction I have that doesn't inspire me seems to drain the life-force from me. That might be quite selfish of me, I admit it, but it's beyond my control. The daydream world I indulge in to make my life more satisfying is worryingly taking up more and more of my time. I still make attempts to find this satisfaction in reality, but when it inevitably fails, I revert back to the world in my head."

I'm thinking about these attempts I'm making to find connections and adding a ticking clock sound to it. Now I'm remembering that silly, shallow recurring nightmare I used to have about being in town wearing terrible clothes when all the shops were about to close and all I can find to buy is some navy blue, corduroy monstrosity. Now I'm linking them together. I don't want to settle for corduroy.
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(no subject) [Jul. 17th, 2016|09:35 pm]
[music |Where The Love Is - The Sound]

On Tuesday I was proper hyped up at work, probably from eating proper, capsicum-laden food for the previous 5 days. Endorphins flying all over my body. I was cheery, chatty and bouncy. It was entirely the wrong place for that to happen as eventually somebody mortally offended me (probably by doing something as simple as not hearing me, which I spun into a hideous snub) and I recognised the process my brain was going through and no matter how much I tried to reason with myself and plead with my brain not to go back to the way it was... I lost it. I had plans for the next three weekends and THAT is when that feeling would've been most useful. Of course it would be great if it could stick around permanently, or at least most of the time. I spend a lot of time plotting to trick the chemicals in my body to balance out in such a way that make me a pleasant, adjusted person, able to comfortably socialise without the needles of introversion stabbing at my face from the inside.

So I went to a thing yesterday and at one point I was having a proper good laugh with some of the old Odeon folk, but it's really distracting when your inner voice is saying 'oh look, you're having a good time - I wonder how long this will last?'. Imagine if you went through 90% of your life not being able to forget that you're blinking - utterly frustrating. I'm not sure that's the best analogy. Is there one? Does writing about this help? Or am I just helping to solidify it? Trying to ignore it hasn't really been all that successful. I think I'm much better than I used to be. Have I developed better methods? I know I care less about things that don't matter. It doesn't become any less frustrating though.

I currently feel like I'm one of those unfortunate exceptions in life. If you're a kid with acne and get told that it'll go away in time, then you get to 65 years of age, still saddled with the stuff, you'd feel a bit cheated. The worst part being the assurances you'd get from people. I guess that's just what people say though. If people told you that you were completely screwed, at least you'd have nowhere lower to sink to.

Sweeping all of that self-indulgent mind-refuse aside, I am quite fortunate really, in my life. You know, friends, a home, my health, etc. But we're not made for contentment, are we? And that's a good thing. Keeps us going.

Perhaps I should just stop trying to socialise so much? I could just mope about at home with my skeletons and my post-punk/coldwave/darkwave soundtrack. I could just keep having these pretend scenarios that I'm ever-increasingly invoking. Sometimes I snap back to reality and realise my face is hurting from grinning. The world disappoints me because it's not perfect, so I invent these perfect people to make myself happy. Hypocrite. Everybody's n% arsehole. Why can't I accept that? I don't want the best things that ever happen to me to be a conceptual Davies Production.

The most pleasant time I had recently was in a cemetery in Motspur Park. I decided that I was in love with a man who's been dead for 16 years, because of his voice, the words he sang and that disturbing look in his eyes. I indulged myself, because what else am I going to do? I was going to London to partake in the Hitchcock season (which was brilliant) anyway, so I went to visit the site where his body wasn't even located. It was just a slab of marble with his name on it. But it was so peaceful there, there was beautiful sunlight, followed by a heavy rainstorm, then the return of the sun. I just sat there, feeling very pleased. I left a bunch of yellow roses there, making my own vase and burying it in the earth so it didn't blow over. I chose yellow roses because I used to walk past some on my way to work and the scent always made me happy. I wanted to give him some of my happy because I think he became very unhappy. You can hear his struggle in his music. It made me want to reach out and help. Like I could. Anyway the whole time I was in London by myself I felt great, like I wasn't socially anxious at all, everything just fell into place and it was such a relief to feel okay with everything. If I could relocate my flat, I would. I couldn't live in London (the air is horrid), but I think I'm done here. I don't seem to meet any interesting people anymore (especially since I can't socialise... that's a lie, I can. Just, it's complicated.). I want to go places where interesting people are. Not that people aren't interesting in their own way. Gah.

Forget everything. It's all full of contradictions as per anyway. Every post I make is just different arrangements of the same confused, unevolved whining. Here's a picture from my happy time.

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(no subject) [Jun. 4th, 2016|07:33 pm]
[mood |Don't even.]
[music |'Things We Never Did' - Sad Lovers and Giants]

I just had a horrible panic attack. Why? Had slobbering, hungry lions broken into my flat? No. Had I tripped over a toaster, resulting in my broken leg bone protruding from my skin? Still no. I was thinking about going out to a night in Leeds. I wasn't sure, so I got ready to see how I felt on the other side. I still didn't know, so I looked up buses, how to get there and looked at pictures to judge if it was somewhere I might feel comfortable in. Time was ticking away. Soon it was too late to catch the start of the band I was most interested in (ie 70% of my reason to go) and despite telling myself I could still catch some of them or the band after or even the club night afterwards, I just thought of what a complete failure of a human being I am for not being able to do this. So the self-disappointment accumulated, I cried, hyperventilated and flailed about my flat. Pathetic. Completely pathetic.

And that's the short version. There were also all the social terror thoughts darting like comets in my head:

"There will be people I know there, but most are people I've only met once or twice many years ago - do I say hi? Will that weird them out? If I don't say hi in case it weirds them out, will they think I'm being rude? Oh, there are a few people I know quite well, but I don't want to burden them with my company all night. It's a new place, so not somewhere I'd feel comfortable standing around on my own - what if I'm stood in the wrong place? And there's a person who I might've annoyed a few years ago. What if they despise me? What if there are morons on the bus? What if there are morons on the way to the bus?"

I'm exhausted.

If I was better at socialising regularly and stoking the embers of relationships to keep them going, I might have closer acquaintances at this thing. But I've estranged so many people because I have nothing but this mentality to offer them most of the time... and I don't want to do that to them. So the cycle continues, perpetually.
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Warblespill [May. 13th, 2016|08:33 pm]
[music |Eagulls - Tough Luck]

I know you're there. You're not going away. Oh, I can put you on mute or talk over you, but I still feel your presence. You threaten to ruin whatever I'm currently engaged in - even though you usually don't follow through on that threat, it's enough to put me ill at ease. It's hard to remember a time of pure feeling because you contaminated all my channels. I won't stop trying to neutralise you. You should give in first.

And in the physical world - all is well. Rehearsals are underway for the next Grim North play. I'm preparing to play The Crystal Maze next week. Keeping an ear to the ground of places I can run away to and be interested... in things, people... hopefully. Lots of super-great stuff coming up later this year. Just have to keep peddling.
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2016 First Quarter Update [Mar. 8th, 2016|12:41 am]
[mood |Reflective]
[music |Red Paint - The Sound]

Life is 80% better than it was three months ago; I really like my new job, I have money to spare now, travel plans, less time to dwell, more prime-time to do 'things'. How lucky I was to get out of the plughole of extreme poverty and despair, not sure I could've taken much more of it.

I've been taking myself to a little independent cinema most weekends, I'm a total traitor to Odeon (although I still miss my ace mates who always greet me so warmly when I go and visit) - but it's hardly surprising when I've been able to see films such as 'Whistle Down the Wind', 'All About Eve', 'Labyrinth' and 'Brazil'. It's like a little spiritual pilgrimage that I like to keep private so that I have the benefit of my own company - so much easier to organise, better for immersion and no need for guilt if I can't go outside (which is getting ever easier).

Not having to job hunt anymore is the best gift I could ever have been given. I really hope my luck holds.

Had another great show with Grim North in January - it was a little rushed, but we pulled it off. It was very different to our others as it was an archive performance of select scenes. I had three roles in this one, one of which had difficult dialogue to memorise which required the use of many mnemonics. We did a full day of rehearsals and preparation before the show, instead of stretching them out over a week - I kind of liked that. I'm still not completely enamoured with acting in a broad sense, I hope I can push myself in more of a creative writing direction, but it's still a great outlet and I couldn't have joined a group as in-tune to my style as this one.
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I'm normal. [Sep. 27th, 2015|12:27 pm]
Embrace chaos! Feel well-adjusted by seeing just how messed up everything else is! Comparative sanity! Thank you David Burns.
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The void in our humanity absolves us of our sins. [Aug. 21st, 2015|01:36 am]
I'm in mourning. I have my second theatrical production under my belt now - not just as an actor this time, but having been more involved in the devising process. It was beautiful, difficult, worrying... ultimately worth it. I'm so proud of my Grim North family. We may not be the closest friends, they may not even know how much I enjoy their company, but they are the most satisfying people to spend time with for me. Not to play down the importance of closer friends, but although they are wonderful and loving, I do feel the void sometimes. They support me, but don't quite occupy the same head-space. Which is fine, of course - you don't want everyone to be in your head-space all the time.

My point is that I really feel like I can breathe out with GN folk. I'm not holding back. We all have this energy to create something together, to leave our realities behind while we reach for others. I feel truly bonded with them, especially in the wings during a show - breathing deeply together, laughing together, wishing each other well - they get closer than I allow almost anyone to get to me lately. It's both terrifying and relieving.

But now this one is over and there's a gap until we start again in September. I keep reviewing my situation though. Somewhere in the back of my mind, there's an urge to just take off somewhere new again. Not that I'm in the best situation to do that right now anyway. I'll probably do it one day, but not this year, not yet. I could move and move again, but I'll probably still take my troubles with me. It's time to bring out the things that I've been sweeping under the rug, one by one, and decide what to do with them.
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Only When I Look [Jun. 28th, 2015|10:06 pm]
Hopeless is a dangerous way to feel isn't it? I'm glad the safety is still on, but it's not a nice presence.

Still somewhat convincible.
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