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What Sets Your Soul On Fire? - Garmonbozia [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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What Sets Your Soul On Fire? [Jul. 24th, 2016|11:45 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |Darkest Heart - Adrian Borland]

I just sent this message to somebody in the context of a conversation about certain personality "disorders":

"It's not that I don't want relationships, I just don't want pointless, vapid ones. Every interaction I have that doesn't inspire me seems to drain the life-force from me. That might be quite selfish of me, I admit it, but it's beyond my control. The daydream world I indulge in to make my life more satisfying is worryingly taking up more and more of my time. I still make attempts to find this satisfaction in reality, but when it inevitably fails, I revert back to the world in my head."

I'm thinking about these attempts I'm making to find connections and adding a ticking clock sound to it. Now I'm remembering that silly, shallow recurring nightmare I used to have about being in town wearing terrible clothes when all the shops were about to close and all I can find to buy is some navy blue, corduroy monstrosity. Now I'm linking them together. I don't want to settle for corduroy.

[User Picture]From: rock_dinosaur
2016-07-24 11:45 pm (UTC)
I find people impossible. When I look back at the various relationships I've had, it's no wonder I wanted out. Some certainly had their compensations, especially in the physical sense, but they were mostly pretty unsatisfactory otherwise. I never seemed to find the deep cerebral connection that I thought there ought to be. Sometimes I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking. Was I expecting too much? Do I idealise those I desire and put them on a pedestal? Are most people happy to settle for less?

No doubt it hasn't helped that I've missed out on so many opportunities due to lack of outgoingness and confidence in myself. Anyway, I no longer think in terms of needing or wanting a partner. If it happens, it happens, but I think it'll be something of a miracle if it does.
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[User Picture]From: plushy
2016-07-26 07:16 pm (UTC)
Exactly! I feel like there's a better chance of me flying away on a dolphin made entirely of porridge than finding a meaningful, fulfilling connection. Not that the possibility doesn't exist, but the chances of me actually finding it are inverted, cowering at the bottom of a chasm of its own flesh.

Yeah, probably best to get on with life, I suppose! I've tried to destabilise the foundations of my standards, but it doesn't work. I had a relationship a few years ago which was great physically, but I thought they were a moron. I had to close my eyes and pretend they were somebody I respected, ha!
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[User Picture]From: rock_dinosaur
2016-07-26 09:18 pm (UTC)
As far as I'm aware, closing one's eyes isn't generally noted for its efficacy in curing moronic partners. It may solve the problem of ugliness, however!

To be blunt, I regret that there hasn't been a lot more physicality in my life. Let's face it: shagging is great! But how do you reconcile that with finding a partner who doesn't bore you to death and/or drive you up the wall? I can't deal with the complications. Although in theory I have no problem with the concept of relationships-without-strings (and I've had a few), I can't bear the thought of disrespecting or hurting someone. My conscience tortures me.
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