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Normal Update - Take One. - Garmonbozia [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Itzpapalotl

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Normal Update - Take One. [Aug. 10th, 2016|10:33 pm]
Itzpapalotl
[mood |indifferentindifferent]
[music |Healing Kiss - Adrian Borland]

Here's an experiment - come here when I'm not feeling... *various hand gestures and faces*... and see what happens.

Had a big, in-depth chat about anxiety stuff with my mate/boss today. It's always nice when you can connect with people about the shared road blocks that make it difficult for you to enjoy life. Puts you at ease and makes you feel a bit less alone in your incompetence. But as is often the case, once those floodgates are open and I end up deluging the other person with far too much information and me-too's, I often wish I hadn't said anything. Or less. It's contradictory, but when I make that particular connection, I get bored of having a wrong mind and wish we could just chat about something normal instead. Except when I talk to an acquaintance about something normal I want to pick the sinew from my face, piece by piece. I want that thing in between. That place only flatliners can get to. That precise grey that lies exactly between black and white. That 30 seconds when a pear is actually edible. I'll have that.

In another post-show mourning phase, but it's not too bad this time. This wasn't my favourite and we're doing it again in January anyway. The pre-show moods were a bit more intense this time. I convinced myself I was going to leave after this. I don't think that would be a very good idea though. Not really. I'll take it year by year.

My mum is moving to the other end of the country, again. Not too far from where I grew up. The journey to see her will be a bit of an effort, but at least I can leave Eccles firmly behind me after this month. Vile place. Nothing good happened there. Joy-suck of a place. So I'll be busying myself with that over the next few weeks. I hope it gives her the injection of life she needs. It has been my goal for some time to get her out of that place and in a place more suited to who she really is. I really hope it works out.

I like this state of mind. I feel quite sure of myself. It's awful to doubt almost everything. Dr Burns and his mental distortion talk, what a champ.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: plushy
2016-08-15 06:32 am (UTC)
I'm not really a worrier, I don't have the energy to worry. There are just things I'm not happy with and the venting I do here is usually the result of the frustration generated in attempting to change those things. There's only really one person I want to impress - me. I've managed it a few times before. I'm not willing to accept the me I'm not happy with.
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[User Picture]From: rock_dinosaur
2016-08-15 05:42 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm definitely a worrier. If I had nothing to worry about, I'm sure I'd worry about having nothing to worry about! I'm hoping this Mindfulness course I'm doing may help me to clamp down on my thoughts running out of control, but even when I try to focus on something simple like repairing a holey sock, I find my mind going over all the other things I have to do and see to.

I agree that one's own satisfaction is what's important. I can't say I've often felt that way about myself, apart from when I've played a gig, which is the one thing I've really loved doing in my life. I've sometimes had a high that lasted for days afterwards, and my enthusiasm and passion goes into overdrive. I need to get back on my life's mission!
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